Outsider's view
by Indus
Summary: Harry and Hermione must keep their love for each other to save the war. Harry and Hermione all the way. Except for one small thing- Hermione is going out with Ron. Angst, betrayal and the one thing that can break the trio up. A bit slashy in the beginning
1. Blurring

Outsider's View Indus 

Disclaimer: I have no commercial interests in the writing of this fic, nor do I have any connections with those who own anything relating to Harry Potter (JK Rowling has not yet known the privilege of my friendship) and I don't intend to infringe on any copyright laws.

Summary: This was originally set as a Harry/Hermione and Hermione/Ron story, lots of angst, but then a challenge shaped it a bit. It has a lot of Sirius/Remus in it, and they are the narrators.

Rating: R

Warning: Slash, two guys, homosexuality and all the rest of that stuff.

Sirius

I held on to him, laughing gently as he thrust against me. Merlin, I was grateful that Harry was at the Burrow that day. Remus and I had been celibate all summer in deference to his feelings, and after thirteen years apart the dry spell was killing us.

"What are you laughing?" He was moaning the question more than speaking it.

"I was just thinking of how ironic this is. We had to pick our moments when his father would be out of the room because there was nothing more disgusting for James than walking in on two people he considered his brothers, and now we do the same for his son. I feel like a house-witch and her Ministry employee husband doing a fast one in a cupboard."

He laughed, and the vibrations were seductive and strangely comforting at the same time. Sex is wonderful when it is new, but later, when you are comfortable enough to laugh while you are doing it; well, then you are comfortable enough together to do anything.

We lay there for a long time, talking, thrusting gently to stay in the mood, without letting it build up to a climax but connected in that most basic, primal way. It was a perfect moment, just asking to be ruined.

We heard a gasp at the door. Immediately, we both lost all sexual desire. I pulled the sheet over us, but it was too late. Harry had slammed the door shut and from the sound of his footsteps was already halfway down the stairs.

Remus pulled on pajamas. They were mine, but I wasn't about to say anything then. "You go Padfoot, and talk to him. He needs to hear it from you."

I really wished he would go. He was so much better at things like- well, talking. I've gotten a bit better since I lost everything because we kept too many secrets, but I'm still not half as eloquent as he is. That day, though, I drew on the love I had for both these men, squared my shoulders and walked out of the room. I came back immediately to wear something, but that setback did not detract anything from my resolve.

I found him in the garden. He was pulling out weeds without gloves, no doubt appreciating the pain of the scratches that were forming on those still too-thin arms.

He heard me approaching; I had taken no measures to be silent. I did not want to surprise him twice in one evening. Sitting down beside him, I cleared my throat to ensure that I had his attention. "You had no idea then, Harry?"

He didn't look at me for a minute, and when he did I almost turned away from the contempt in those wet, green eyes. "No, I knew you were close, but I'll admit it never occurred to me that my grandfather and his best friend were telling me to visit the Burrow so that they could fuck each other's brains out!"

It sounded so much dirtier when it was put that way. I said as much to him, and I think he was surprised that I wasn't denying it. "That's not to say you were in the way, Harry. It's just that Ron was so eager to have you stay, and I know how close the two of you are. We've been together all summer, and it isn't as if you can go to Diagon Alley with me until I'm cleared. Everything just seemed to work out for you to go today, and we were looking forward to some time for making love. That is what we call it, by the way."

He sighed in that way James had of signifying that he was done with fighting. "I know, and I'm sorry for the outburst. It's just- I don't know what it is."

It was my turn to sigh. I did not want to choose between the two of them. "Do you have a problem with two men being in love?"

"No!" The answer was quick and sincere. I could see it in his eyes. Well, that was one hurdle out of the way.

"Then do you have a problem with Remus and me being together?"

This time the answer was clearly what I did not want to hear. "It's just that. I guess I ."

"You thought you were the most important person in my life." How to handle this? How to tell the boy that he was, but he had to share the position with Remus. Poor boy who has never known how it is to be anyone's first priority, except as a weapon in a war. "Can you not be one of the two most important people in my life?"

He looked at me, seeming closer to six than sixteen. "Do you mean I'm as important as Professor Lupin? Really?"

"Yes." That one didn't require any thinking about. He shuffled his feet about, looking embarrassed about the conversation and the tears that he was so obviously on the verge of shedding. Reveling in my new discovery of tact, I decided to change the subject. "So why are you home early?"

To my surprise, he did lose control of his tears then. He mumbled something about there not being a reason, but that was clearly a lie. I tried to be calm, but I've never been able to abide tears.

"Did you and Ron have a fight?" I knew it was none of my business, but if Ron had said anything he was going to learn first-hand what a pissed-off Grim can do.

"No." He sniffled, maintaining the image of a child, so I had no compunctions pressing the issue.

"Well, then?"

He looked into the distance, coming to terms with something within himself. I wouldn't be surprised if I was the first person he allowed himself to tell. "I'm in love with the wrong person."

Oh Merlin, this is the one thing aside from death that you want to protect your children from. I groaned thinking of Ron and his overpowering love for Hermione, which had always reminded me of the relationship between Harry's parents. So uncomplicated and right from the very beginning.

I decided to start this conversation diplomatically. "I can see that Ron is quite an attractive young man."

He interrupted me. "No, God no! I don't have feelings for Ron!"

I was relieved beyond imagination. "Ginny? Well I know that it may seem wrong to have feelings for Ron's little sister, the youngest of a family that has been so good to you, but it is perfectly nat. My voice petered out as I realized what an idiot I was. "Hermione, it's Hermione isn't it?"

Silence.

"Oh Godric, you've fallen in love with your best friend's girlfriend. How?"

"Ron went home for Christmas, but she and I stayed behind. We spent a lot of time together, as we have before, but this time it was different. I started noticing the strangest things like the scent of her hair, her smile and how her eyes are always smiling even when she is tense about her Owls. New Year's Eve Seamus was practicing his water to rum spell that he has been working on for five years, and caused a little explosion in the common room. We decided to have a party, and, well things got a little out of control. All I can remember is kissing her, and then realizing that I was in love with her."

Despite all the complications, I couldn't help feeling a little misty at the thought of my little godson falling in love.

"And then I looked in her eyes, and I knew she felt the same. We didn't know what to do. We sat together talking quite a bit, and Dumbledore must have noticed."

I got up then from where I was sitting, afraid to hear what the Headmaster said; knowing what had to be said.

"He asked us if we meant it, and we said we did." Now that he had started, the story was just pouring out of him. For the hundredth time I cursed the circumstances that had necessitated that my first real crisis as a parent had to come when the problems were too big for me to solve. "So then he asked us to pretend we weren't in love. We thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. He said that I could not win the War without Ron, and I would lose Ron forever if I stole his girlfriend."

"He told you to sneak?" I was shocked. Dumbledore can be very single-minded about winning the war, but even he couldn't be that callous.

"No, no. But we have to wait. It's not as if it will be that different. Hermione does care for Ron very much, so she'll stay with him for the duration of the war, and then we'll have it out with him once and for all."

I nodded and smiled, but it went crooked. I couldn't even pretend to have confidence in that plan. Patting him on the head, I walked away. But he stopped me before I could get far. "Please don't tell Professor Lupin."

I turned, worried about their relationship. "Harry, the fact that he is my lover shouldn't affect your trust in him."

He blushed, but gamely continued. "It hasn't, but Professor Lupin has this habit of saying just the thing that makes you ashamed of what you've done, without sounding preachy or anything."

I couldn't deny that, just as I couldn't claim that Remus would ever agree to this ridiculous solution to an impossible situation. Remus has a higher code of behavior than the rest of us.

I went to Hogwarts the next day to ask Dumbledore what he was doing. I was full of self-righteous wrath, forgetting that the wise wizard always has a good reason for what he does. He received me warmly, sat me down and proceeded to explain his motives gently and calmly.

He pointed out the similarities between Ron and the rat to me: the jealousy and envy that Peter felt for us more talented wizards, his poverty compared to the financial comfort James and I lived in and his unrequited love for Lily Evans. We had all thought he got over that but I know now that his last year as our friend was little more than a sham.

Every word he said made me squirm as I realized how close we were to allowing history to repeat itself. I went home a little more reassured, but with the promise I made to Dumbledore not to tell Remus reverberating in my head. If this plan was so necessary, why couldn't I tell my lover? He has always had the courage to do what was needed.

I made myself forget about it, and took comfort in how Harry and Hermione became too busy to feel pain at their separation. It wasn't actually any sort of separation at all. Ron was not a very romantic person at all, and Harry wasn't subjected to any displays of affection or anything else of the sort. With a war on, the three of them were rarely, if ever apart, and Hermione was too practical and scrupulous to encourage Ron any more. She suggested that they put more distance between them for their own safety. I know the poor boy thought they were talking of physical safety, and his natural cautiousness and protectiveness caused him to believe that their relationship was dangerous to their families as well as their commitment to helping Harry. She was referring to their hearts.

I watched from afar as they made decisions children should not have to make, and cursed the fate that was tearing these people apart. Harry and Hermione were hoping that Ron would be able to accept that they loved each other as Hermione and he had broken up in their sixth year, but all of us on the outside could see that he expected her to come back to him after the war. Never once did the notion that she wasn't waiting for him as eagerly as he waited for her cross his mind.

It was a nightmare waiting to happen. Ron stayed close to Harry, and when the time came, he risked his life for the cause of the Phoenix. Oh Merlin forgive me, but I was hoping he would not survive the last battle. I did not want him to die; our very first conversation consisted of him putting himself in front of Harry so that I might not kill his best friend. And he never stopped being the brave and jocular person that made true the old Muggle adage that knowing him was to love him.

But I knew the denouement would have to come eventually. Harry and Hermione's love for each other did not diminish, and for almost two years Ron trusted that the relationship he believed was as everlasting as the one his parents shared was only waiting for the war to be over. Despite his frequent outbursts of jealousy, he also maintained as close a friendship to the two of them as the Marauders had had a couple of decades before.

So I closed my eyes and wished for a miracle from Godric himself to save the trio that would win a continental war against a powerful, evil wizard.

I should have remembered that there are no miracles. And that there can be no saving us from the messes we mortals make for ourselves.

SORRY ALL YOU R/HR FANS. THIS WAS BORN OUT OF A SB/RL CHALLENGE FROM DAWNATELLO THAT TOOK AN UNEXPECTED TURN. BLAME MY MUSE.


	2. Enlightenment

Outsider's view 2 By Indus  
  
For warnings and disclaimers see chapter 1. Rating: R Summary: In the last chapter, Sirius found out that Harry and Hermione (Ron's girlfriend) are in love with each other but are hiding it until the end of the second war.  
  
Remus  
  
I kissed my mate goodbye, holding on for one blessed minute before releasing him. We were about to start the last battle.  
  
We all knew this was it. Dumbledore had given his life just three months ago to ensure that the wards protecting Hogwarts remained strong, and they had held well. I could still feel my old Headmaster's magic pulsing in the very walls of this place where it all began. But that last act of Albus, to tie his spirit to the school, might also have guaranteed its destruction. Voldemort was amassing power, and the resistance against him depended on the fact that the Dark Lord was still less powerful than Dumbledore. If Voldemort destroyed Hogwarts, the magical community would be his. Tom Riddle, as he once was, knew nothing if he did not know that.  
  
Looking into Sirius' eyes, I tried to convey all my love for him, and how I needed him to stay strong and alive. I read some of the same things in his eyes, and smiled to tell him that I would fight to be with him for many more years. We could not speak this private conversation out loud; we were surrounded by hundreds of our friends and their families. When Hogwarts became the last safe place, hundreds of wizarding families from around the continent sought refuge here. Werewolves, vampires, wizards and former Death Eaters were all gathered together to fight this last battle- all equals as they realized that the Dark Lord would not find it much harder to kill a creature than a human. None of us have yet found a way to combat his killing curse.  
  
At that thought, my eyes went immediately to the boy who had in fact survived it, currently being strangled by Mrs. Weasley. Much would rest on him, too much for a boy not yet eighteen to bear. But when Arthur gently pulled his wife away, I saw him grasp the hands of Hermione and Ron and knew that he was not bearing it alone.  
  
Arthur and Molly were having a similar silent conversation of their own. They were already grieving for their son Percy, and knew that they were not invincible in this war. I sometimes wonder if they had any idea when they were gearing for battle they were fighting alongside the people who had killed their precious child. I am sure it crossed their minds; parents must suspect something when their children become Death Eaters. We could not save him as he was killed alongside other Death Eaters during a raid, but we managed to make it look like he had been an accidental casualty. Relations between the Weasleys and Fletcher, who had been the one to kill Percy, were not good, but we all had pledged to ensure that they never know that their son had become a servant of Voldemort.  
  
Ron did know, as did Hermione and Harry, but the youngest boy of that suddenly diminished family did not talk about it with anyone including his best friends. However, he did hold onto them a little tighter. I sincerely hoped they all made it out of this alive.  
  
My musings were broken by Ron's sudden exclamation of disgust. "Ugh, you guys can't do that in front of me." His parents were kissing each other hard, displaying the passion that they generally did not exhibit in front of others, but that had given them seven children they had loved despite or because of everything they had done. Hermione put her hand on his mouth though, her eyes blinking as she looked at them. That could be, and indeed was, the last time they would hold each other like that.  
  
Everything became a little more harried then. Death Eaters were at the outer gates; those of us who were doing active fighting would have to go outside the school immediately. Many of the witches and wizards who had not fought for a few years would guard the inside of the school in case some Death Eaters managed to get through, while still others, led by Madame Pomfrey would look after the elders, the children and the wounded.  
  
In the bustle, we were all separated, and I made my way to the main doors. The Great Hall was empty except for Harry, who was looking around before he walked out. Before I could say something, Hermione ran in from a door on the other side, and the desperation on her face made me stay quiet.  
  
"Wait!"  
  
I saw Harry's expression change from wistful to something else that I could not, would not identify then. "Are you"-  
  
"I'm fine, or at least as fine as I can be right now. But Harry, I just needed to get you alone for a minute before we went into this war. I know many people may die today, but all I can think of is you. You will play the biggest role here, we all know that, but I want you to promise me that whatever happens, however difficult things become out there, you will come back for me."  
  
"I promise." And then James' son shocked and saddened me by pulling the woman his best friend loved into his arms. He did not kiss her, but he held her close, plastering her body to his so that she could feel the reassurance of his heart beating, lungs working, in every cell in her own body. She clung just as close to him.  
  
They were in love with each other. And this was not some ridiculous witch drama where this happens and neither party is aware of the other's emotions. No, love was returned, and both of them knew it. And when I heard a gasp behind me, I did not need to turn around to realize that their best friend knew it too.  
  
I felt more than heard Ron draw in breath to say something, to shout his feelings of betrayal. Using lycanthropic agility, I spun around and clamped my hand over his mouth before he could saw a word. It was not difficult to drag the bewildered boy outside, but we were still too close to the Hall for me to let him speak.  
  
Putting my mouth to his ear, I whispered, "Don't say anything now."  
  
Wrestling away from me, he whispered back that I could not ask that of him.  
  
"I know you have every right to go in there and cause a scene, but do you want to? You are going into war, and one of you might never come back. Do you really want the last words you said to your best friends, your family, be ones of hate? You know how important you are to them, and how important the three of you are to this war. We need you to be together."  
  
He didn't say anything for a minute, and seemed to be fighting through his anger and pain to listen to what I was saying. His eyes remained wary and suspicious though, and I knew what he was thinking. "No Ron, I didn't know until this very minute."  
  
"So they've been lying to you too."  
  
I wanted to object to that and defend Harry's character, but I couldn't say anything. Ron was, after all, right and completely justified in his anger. And as I looked at him, I couldn't help feeling angrier and more disappointed with Harry and Hermione than I had ever been before. The three of them had always been so close, and now they had precipitated a situation that would tear them apart. But the separation would have to come after the war. "Ron, you're right about being lied to, and I can't deny that I am furious and very disappointed over the way they treated you. There is no excuse for that, but you are going into battle and you need to be clear- headed. Put away what just happened and try to think of the good times you had for the past seven years."  
  
I had to leave him with those words as there was far too much work to be done in too short a time, but I remember turning to take one last look at the tall, thin but proudly-stiff shoulders. And I remember suddenly knowing that he would not walk out of the final battle.  
  
He died for Harry. In one of the bravest and most spectacularly self- sacrificing actions I have ever seen, he thrust himself in the path of the killing curse so that Voldemort's would not touch his former best friend, but Harry's curse would and did kill the Dark Lord.  
  
It was near the end of the battle, and I happened to be free from attackers. I saw him fall, and then I saw Harry run towards him. Before he could make it all of the way, we heard Hermione's scream. Harry's head jerked around, and he seemed caught.  
  
Ron's head lifted a bit, and he stared straight at Harry. "Go to her!" It needed no more than that. We all knew from the look on his face that it would be over in a matter of minutes, but Hermione could still be saved. And as the wild-haired boy ran past me, I saw tears pouring down his face. I will confess that I was not dry-eyed myself.  
  
I went to Ron and held his head up as I softly spoke a spell that would make his last moments a little less painful. "You jumped in front of him."  
  
He licked dry lips. "It isn't the first time. In fact, I just got back from a mission where I risked my life in pretending to be hiding out with him in a trap for Voldemort. He didn't fall for it, but if he had I could have died. You know that; you helped me put the plan together and commiserated with me when it failed. Why are you so surprised?"  
  
"You said his name." It wasn't an answer, but it gave me time to think of what to say.  
  
"I'm dying now. No, don't try to say different. I guess the only reason it didn't kill me immediately was that Harry had already weakened Voldemort. But it's stupid to be afraid of a name now, and you didn't answer my question."  
  
"Yes, I suppose it is. And the answer to your question is that I did not think you would give your life for Harry after discovering what you did this afternoon."  
  
He closed his eyes for a minute, and I panicked, sure I had lost him. But then they opened again, and though they were hazier it was obvious that he was still aware of his surroundings. "I couldn't go on, Remus, I couldn't. And this seemed like the best way to stop."  
  
"Ron." I tried.  
  
"No, Professor, don't tell me that this isn't the end of the world. It is the end of mine. I saw my sister, my eldest brother and my father fall. And I lost Harry and Hermione today too. But when I saw the curse heading to Harry, I reacted with anger for what I had lost. Voldemort killed my family, including Percy because he seduced him to dark magic, and then he made Harry into something that made sure I would never be able to compete with him." He laughed bitterly. "The entire wizarding world loved him more than they will ever love me, Quidditch loved him more than me, and my family was closer to him than they were to me and even the only woman I've ever imagined spending the rest of my life with left me for him. And all I could think of was that stupid scar, and how much I hated Voldemort for giving it to him. So I did what I could to kill him, and it worked."  
  
Yes it had worked, but at far too great a cost.  
  
Putting away my grief to a recess in my brain that would make sure I dealt with it later, I counseled him to do the same. "Don't let your last breaths and speeches be made in anger, Ron."  
  
Those soft, beautifully sweet young eyes were clouded with pain and approaching death. Blood dribbled out of his mouth but his next words were lucid. "How can they not be?"  
  
I smiled at him, trying not to cry but dismally failing. "Admit to yourself that you saved Harry not just out of hate for Voldemort, but out of a subconscious desire to save the life of one of the people you love most in the world, just as you pushed him to help Hermione. Ron, I have loved one of my best friends for almost thirty years, and if he survives this day I am secure in the knowledge that I will have him as my lover for the rest of our lives. But Sirius means just as much in a different way as James and even as Peter did, a lifetime ago. I know what it is to be betrayed by those closest to you, but I also know how much you need to talk to them before you make decisions or leave with hate in your heart."  
  
He seemed to think about that, and when he spoke again it was on other matters. "I'm dying." I did not think it was very useful to lie to him at this juncture, so I softly agreed. "I don't think I'm ready to die yet." It wasn't what he had been saying a few minutes ago, but I had known that the closer he came to actually dying the less he would like the reality of it.  
  
"I doubt anyone is."  
  
"I wanted to get married, you know. I am a Weasley, and the whole marriage and kids thing is ingrained in us from birth. I laughed at my family, hated it sometimes, but I always thought I would have something like it some day. But ever since I remember my wife having a face in those visions of my future, she had Hermione's face. Tell me a story Remus about the Marauders."  
  
I was thrown off by that random last sentence and it took me a few minutes to gather my thoughts. It is difficult to remember what story I told him, but long before it was over I felt him die in my arms. What I do know is that after I felt his soul leave the body I held, while I spoke the words automatically from my memory, all I could do was curse the utter inhumanity of humanity.  
  
*  
  
After restoring Ron's body to his shattered mother, I helped look for other survivors and bring home the dead. Sirius and some other members of the Order were transporting the remaining Death Eaters to a safe and secluded location, but the danger had ended with the death of Voldemort.  
  
Harry and Hermione were holding each other for comfort. I stood for a minute watching them, and I smelled, felt and saw their absolute love for the fallen third member of their trio. It was at that moment that I decided I would never tell them that Ron had known of their relationship. Let them think he died loving them as he had always done until that day. Perhaps I should have made them feel for a second what pain they had wrought on that very vulnerable child, who had made obvious his existing demons of envy, jealousy and insecurity as he fought them with all the courage and strength of a true Gryffindor. But Harry was James' son, and I owed it to my first and best of best friends, to protect his son from a truth that could only hurt him. Their relationship would not survive knowing that they had prompted Ron's death by being together. For we all knew Ron's death could have been prevented; Voldemort's curse has already twice failed to kill Harry and chances are it would have failed a third time too. Everyone else assumed that he had done it without thinking, but none of them knew that he had seen Harry and Hermione together just hours before making the decision to stand in the way of a curse he knew he was not powerful enough to counter.  
  
For a few minutes I contemplated keeping this secret to myself and never telling another soul. Years stretched before me where Ron's death would germinate- a dark seed in my very soul preventing me from enjoying Harry's wedding, his children and all the special days that I should share with James and Lily's son. No, I could not choose such a fate. As horrible as it was, I had to share what I knew with my lover.  
  
I took two steps towards him before I thought twice about my decision. Sirius * idolized * Harry; I could not come in the way of that, could I?  
  
Mulling over this problem, I slowly walked to my temporary quarters in Hogwarts. Needing to wash Ron's blood off of my body, I took a hot shower and bundled up the robe I was wearing that day. I may not have many more but I refused to try to wear those again.  
  
I was holding the heavy woolen cloth in my hand and looking at it closely when Sirius came in. "What is it?"  
  
I caressed the robes gently, marveling at how life could be reduced to an empty shell and a few stains on someone else's clothes. "This is Ron's blood. I held him as he died."  
  
Sirius grabbed my shoulder. "You held him as he died? But that would mean he survived the Killing curse initially. Of course, Voldemort's power was severely drained so it must not have killed him immediately. Was he awake?"  
  
I nodded.  
  
"Did he say something?"  
  
This was it. What I said here would change everything, decide whether I would share my burden or bear it alone. I stared into his strong silver eyes and marveled how that color could give me strength in that form while in most others it could kill me. He seemed sympathetic, and trying to get me to open up as he often had after Azkaban. We had promised never to keep things, important things, from each other again.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"What? Did he give his love to Hermione and Harry?"  
  
The air itself stopped. I could no longer hear the birds, or see or feel anything in that room or in the world aside from my mate and the robes I held, stained with a child's blood.  
  
Something about the way he asked that, the way he joined their names, told me that he already knew about their relationship. So much for trust! I wanted to get up and shout, hit him, but all I could manage was a shocked "you knew."  
  
His eyes widened. "How did you know?"  
  
"I saw them hold each other before the battle."  
  
"I see."  
  
That was too much. The idiot! "No, my dear puppy, you don't see. Ron was standing right behind me."  
  
He gasped, unable to say anything as his mind raced and he began to understand my anger. He can be, and almost always is, an idiot but he isn't actually stupid. "It was deliberate."  
  
My sneer would have made Snape envious. "Oh yes, Sirius, it was. He died dealing with the pain not only of the curse, but also of losing some very dear family members and friends, as well as the rather significant betrayal of his girlfriend with his best friend. How perfectly romantic, isn't it?"  
  
"She wasn't his girlfriend?" Sirius pointed out sullenly. Even he knew it hadn't been that simple.  
  
"It doesn't get much more 'I'm waiting for you' than her parting. Is that when they started dating? Have they been cheating and kept it a secret for almost two years?"  
  
"No! They fell in love, but they did not date until they could tell Ron the truth, which Dumbledore said they couldn't do. They haven't been cheating at all."  
  
Semantics but wait. "Why in Merlin's name would Dumbledore ask them to lie to and betray Ron?"  
  
He had the grace to look at the wall as he told me why the Headmaster had made such a brilliant plan, while for the first time I was rather grateful that Dumbledore was dead. Werewolves who kill one of the most important and loved wizards in the world aren't treated very well. And with every word he said something in me shriveled and died.  
  
"Did you learn nothing then, Padfoot?" I waited for his answer with scant patience.  
  
"I don't..."  
  
I was speaking almost conversationally. "Did you know that I have always thought Ron was like you? Potters' best friends, the two of you, eternally loyal and loveable but terrible pains to bear sometimes because neither of you can control your tempers. Now I see I was wrong. Ron is actually like me."  
  
He was confused and tried to argue, but I swept past him and cleaned as I spoke. "So what do the Rons and Remuses' have to do to earn trust then, Padfoot?"  
  
He tried to interject a comment about how important I was to him, but I grabbed him by the collar and shoved him against a wall. "What do we have to do?" I was screaming by then, and I could feel tears pouring down my cheeks. I hate crying but days like this it is almost cathartic.  
  
"I did trust you, Remus, in that you would not betray us, but I knew you were too scrupulous to take part in a scheme that even I knew was going to blow up in our faces at some point."  
  
I set him down, seeing the truth in his eyes. This time, he had not betrayed me. I wonder if he knows that if he had not convinced me of that our relationship would have ended right there and then. The only reason it had survived the first time was that I felt guilty for not trusting him myself, and for the dozen years I had taken satisfaction that an innocent man was imprisoned in hell. But this fight was not over.  
  
"And Ron?"  
  
"Merlin, Remus, I loved the boy, you know that. And I do trust him, but I couldn't help remembering how Peter had loved Lily once, and I saw the similarities between the two of them."  
  
I stopped him at that point. "Similarities? The full moon must be closer that I thought because I can't seem to follow your train of thought."  
  
He sighed, as if I was the one who needed to be enlightened. Damn supercilious puppy! "Don't tell me you can't see how alike they are. The envy"-  
  
"Fucking hell, you ass, if you look for Peter in every envious friend, you'll see little rats everywhere! Everything Ron felt was quite natural for someone who has been overshadowed as much as he was. But didn't you see how different he was from Peter in every important way? He may have at some points strained his relationship with Harry because of his envy but he never let it drive him to do anything malicious. Since he was barely even twelve years old Ron has- had- taken every opportunity to prove that if Voldemort himself knocked on his door and offered to spare his life in exchange for Harry, he would have spit in the Dark Lord's face without a thought. Don't you remember that night in the Shrieking Shack? You told Peter we would have chosen death to save him, as he should have done, as Ron did do at the giant chess set and when he stood on a broken leg to shield Harry from a crazy murderer."  
  
"I would have once thought Peter would do the same. I did think it, enough, to give him James and Lily's lives to protect, and he let us all down. And remember what Harry said about the Mirror of Erised last summer? That he had seen James and Lily, and he thought it was some sort of family portrait until Ron saw himself become Quidditch captain and Head Boy. All things that Harry did become, and we did see Ron resent. Peter was not malicious as a boy either."  
  
"No he wasn't, and I suppose now we'll never know what kind of man Ron would have become. But Peter was always a sycophant, something Ron has never aspired to being. And despite the envy, which he never tried to hide as well as Peter did, he shared everything with Harry. He let him become a Weasley, he let him have a mother figure, and most of all he was Harry's first and best friend because he never once looked on him as The Boy Who Lived, as anything more or less than what he was. Peter always saw himself as the victim, assisted in that by you and James who also had trouble seeing him as anything else, unless it was the full moon. Dammit, Sirius, the greatest difference is that Ron has never seen himself as less than Harry, which has kept the two of them sane and levelheaded for the past few years. No, Ron always thought what separated them was circumstances. Yes, Harry is a powerful wizard, and a damn good Quidditch player, but he is definitely normal in other ways. He is deficient in some regards, and for that reason his friends complement him. Ron was always more loyal, whether to his family, a pathetic team or his friends, and Hermione more logical, than Harry has shown himself to be."  
  
"Don't say that about Harry!" Sirius' cheeks flushed.  
  
"Don't say what?"  
  
"That Harry isn't loyal. He has always been so good to everyone around him, you know that."  
  
I sighed, looking to the heavens as if I expected Godric himself to deliver me from stupid humans. And a part of me began to wonder when I had so divorced myself from humanity. "Harry is a wonderful Gryffindor, but there are times when his lack of friends and family between losing Lily and James and coming to Hogwarts are very obvious. This stupid plan of theirs- how long do you think Ron would have done it if their situations were reversed? Merlin, Sirius, you still don't understand!"  
  
"What? What don't I understand?"  
  
"That it is a great deal better to trust a friend and be betrayed than not trust him at all!"  
  
He gasped, widening his eyes until they were larger than they had ever been before. "But- but you know what happened with Peter."  
  
"And I never blamed you for trusting Peter. You should have been able to trust him; he was like a brother to all of us. But your mistake was that you did not trust me, Sirius, and it took Azkaban and thirteen years for me to forgive you. I don't know if I would have forgiven you otherwise."  
  
Saying that, I waved my wand and the suitcase I had steadily been packing closed with a bang. "When this is all over, send me an owl so I can tell you where to find me."  
  
I walked out of Hogwarts, knowing I would never return. I had given so many years of my life to this castle and its inhabitants, believing that nothing would make me happier than becoming an accepted integral part of wizarding society, only to realize that I did not want that at all.  
  
It was time to fight for my own kind from inside, to rejoin my kin, and to learn what it truly was to be a werewolf. 


End file.
